Voenix Rising

has anyone in US politics been more unfairly maligned than Hunter Biden?

he’s been harassed. he’s been the target of multiple smear campaigns. he’s been accused of corruption and crimes. he’s been forced to testify. he’s had his personal life put under a microscope — and he’s had photos of his freakishly oversized trouser hog put on display on the floor of the House.

all of this is why it’s super fucking satisfying to see that Hunter Biden is finally hitting back.

Trump hasn’t made a public appearance in 8 days. This after an unscheduled visit to the hospital- because he “likes getting check ups.” Thank God Jake Tapper (or as I like to call him- the Brick Tamland of his generation) is on the case hunting down clues in a book about my mom’s experience as First Lady four years ago.

I have to confess that No Fucks To Give Hunter Biden is my favorite Hunter Biden, and I am so here for it. after letting his social media presence dwindle for years, Hunter’s back with a vengeance.

Hunter Biden’s complaint is the same one we all have: why are the Jake Tappers of the world still sniffing Joe Biden’s pant leg, while right in front of their faces, the current sitting president is a cognitively-collapsed fuckwit who lost control of his bowels years ago?

except, of course, for Hunter Biden this hits much closer to home.

So let me get this straight. Jake Tapper is focused on attacking my Mom. Jared and Ivanka are building a private island paradise on Albanian protected land. Don Jr married the daughter of Epstein’s banker, and a startup his fund backs just got a record $620M Pentagon loan. Eric is taking an Israeli drone company public for $1.5B in the middle of a war with Iran that nobody wanted. And I know: “But what about your paintings, Hunter?” Please.

remember how the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press lost their fucking minds because Hunter Biden sold some paintings for a few thousand dollars? where are their howls of outrage, now that Dear Leader’s awarded multi-hundred-thousand dollar contracts to companies co-owned by his two felonious failsons?

hey, you know what Hunter Biden can do that MAGA can’t? laugh at himself.

can you imagine Donny being this self-critical?

can you imagine Donny’s failson Cokey McSniffles being this honest?

this is why Hunter Biden was able to turn his life around, while Don Jr. is still walking around with the half the gross national product of Bolivia up his nostrils.

it’s because Hunter was able to face the brutal facts about himself, and get the help he recognized he needed, while Cokey remains the result of a multi-generational exercise in self-delusion and denial.

and it doesn’t hurt Hunter Biden has a caring father who loves him, while Cokey’s own fucked-up dad once slapped him in the face for not wearing a suit to a baseball game.

congratulations, Hunter, on being seven years clean.

mad respect.

now let’s check in with the other member of that multi-generational exercise in self-delusion and denial, because for the second day in a row — lucky us— Preznit Fuckwit graced us with another Oval Bordello dog-and-pony show.

there he was, surrounded by his Emotional Support Flunkies, as he sat behind the Resolute Desk, closed his weary eyes, slumped over, and began to crop-dust the entire room.

look at this. all of Dear Leader’s neutered toadies have to stand there and pretend that what’s happening isn’t happening. seriously, Jake Tapper, are you getting all this?

oh dear. now that he’s finished assaulting the Reflecting Pool, Lord Shitticus is going to fuck up the Lincoln Memorial next.

“the Lincoln— Memorial, the uh, front was supposed to be the back, the back was supposed to be the front, never got built because they built two roadways behind it. after it was built. and it shut off the uhhhhhh— gateway to the water. that was really gonna be the main entry. and we’re gonna be doing that, we’re gonna— it’s called the promenade. buh duh— the promenade. they wanna call it the Trump promenade. but I dunno if I wanna— it’s gonna be beautiful. it’s a beautiful project and it’s gonna take— the Lincoln Memorial right down to the Potomac.”

wait, who wants to call it ‘the Trump promenade’? are they in the room with us right now? is it the ceaseless shrieking noises inside Donny’s own fat head that are telling him this? sweet Jesus, this is just one more thing that the next president’s Secretary of Unfucking All That Shit is going to have to put back the way it used to be.

what is Donny gibbering about, with the back is the front and the front is the back? he’s just making stuff up on the spot — yet instead of calling in the nurse to jab Donny with a powerful sedative, everybody just stands around as if some fucked-up proposal to molest the Lincoln Memorial because it’s backwards were the most perfectly normal thing they’d ever heard.

now, because I’m a Responsible Journalist and Everything™, I had to make sure I was in command of my facts — so I googled ‘is the front of the Lincoln Memorial supposed to be the back,’ and this is what Google’s janky six-fingered plagiarism robot answered:

The Lincoln Memorial was designed to face east towards the Washington Monument and the U.S. Capitol, not the Potomac River. Its current orientation remains exactly as the original architect, Henry Bacon, intended it to be.

so let me repeat myself: what the fuck is Donny gibbering about? Jake Tapper, do you have any idea? Jake? hello, Jake?

sigh.

but what I really want to know is, can we make the Lincoln Memorial more secure? I mean if the Epstein Dance Hall can have sniper nests and a drone army on top of it, why not the Linc M?

and if we can’t have drones, can we at least have the dogs or the bees, or the dogs with the bees in their mouth, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

because that would be fucking awesome.

oh wait, Donny doesn’t want to talk about any of that. he’s too busy committing a racism.

reporter: “the Black unemployment rate is 7.3%. when you ran for president, you courted Black voters and talked about what you described as ‘Black jobs.’ how do you explain why this disparity happened?”

Donny: “well, we’re doing very well with uhhhhh, the Black jobs. African-American jobs.”

racist much, Donny? wouldn’t you love for some reporter to ask Donny what he considers a ‘Black job’? because we all know what the answer would be. janitor. cook. maid. nanny. I just want to hear Donny say it out loud.

oh, wait. in this case, a reporter doesn’t have to ask — because Donny answers the question all on his own, without being prompted. let’s just play the rest of that clip.

“where we’re really gonna do well is when all these plants are open. we’re building many car plants. we’re bringing cars back from Germany. it’s all coming back. it’s amazing. and where your Black worker is going to do really well, is when those factories open.”

ohhhhh, assembly-line worker, that’s a Black job, too. I’m so glad we cleared that up.

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