Voenix Rising

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pour one out for the colicky piss-baby in the Oval Bordello. he’s going through some things right now.

you see, when the inside of one’s head is a decaying rat’s nest of frayed nerve endings, hot-wired to a lizard brain-stem where a cerebral cortex would normally be, one’s ability to respond rationally to the slings and arrows of daily life becomes rather compromised.

which is why, when Ontario Premier Doug Ford suggested that our American president might ought to kiss his ass, Preznit Fuckwit — instead of laughing it off, or ignoring it and getting on with his day, as any normal human being might have done — shat himself raw onto his crappy app.

it’s also why, after Canada announced their own second round of retaliatory 50% tariffs on American goods, Donny failed to pick up the phone and call Canadian PM Carney to work out their differences, as any effective leader would have done. instead, our Doughy Pantload-in-Chief and his weird stalker-slash-diaper-nurse spent an entire morning shit-posting anti-Canada dumbfuckery.

The United States is giving serious consideration to changing the name of Lake Ontario to Lake America in that we don’t expect to be doing much business with Ontario any longer. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP

yeah, let’s do that. let’s rename a body of water. what an awesome idea. that’ll show those moose-hugging hosers we mean business.

Donny no notion of how to defuse a situation. he only knows how to make things worse.

you know, if Donny had spent this much time and expended this much effort into negotiating an actual trade deal with Canada, we’d already have one by now.

but that would have meant doing actual hard work — and Donny doesn’t want to do the hard work. Jon Ossoff had it exactly right: all Donny really wants to do is build his vulgar Epstein Dance Hall, and travel with his beloved Natalie.

here’s the real problem: Donny has no fucking idea how to negotiate. the only language he speaks is bully. everything has to be his way, or there’s no deal at all. that’s not negotiating — that’s just being an asshole.

Canada has figured this shit out, and they — along with Iran — have called Donny’s bluff, told him to go fuck himself, and Donny hasn’t a single clue how to extricate himself from the messes he created.

Canada and Iran have broken what’s let of Donny rotting brain.

you know, this tweet from 2022 might be the truest thing I’ve ever posted to social media.

your reminder that the real culprits in all of this are the producers of The Apprentice, who took a bankrupt imbecile with no impulse control and the attention span of a coked-up squirrel and peddled him to millions of gullible dopes as ThE sMaRtEsT bUsInEsSmAn In ThE uNiVeRsE

fun fact: when Mark Burnett needed a host for the show he was developing, The Apprentice, he first approached actual successful business leaders — people like Jack Welch, Warren Buffett, and Richard Branson — and they all turned him down. they didn’t have time for stupid game-show-host bullshit. they had real businesses to run.

only Donny said yes — because he had run all of his businesses straight into the ground, and he had all the time in the world to hang out in a television studio. 

it also helped that he was a malignant, desperate-for-attention narcissist.

so Burnett plucked Donny off the Big Shitpile of Failure, dusted him off, and for fourteen years, sold America a total bill of goods.

listen up, stupids: Trump the Businessman is a character he played on a TV show. Trump the Actual Human Being is a malevolent moron who failed at every single venture except conning you. that you can’t tell the difference is why America is now a shithole country, thanks a lot.

and, spoiler alert: Donny was shit at being a game how host. he was the same impulsive idiot back then that he is is now. The Apprentice had to be heavily cut-and-pasted to hide the dumbfuck decisions he made, and make him seem rational.

and then there was Donny’s habit of casually blurting out the n-word.

so here we are, two decades later, and this lifelong loser who literally couldn’t sell water in the desert is now running America straight into the ground — all because some heavily-edited game show convinced millions of dumbfucks that this moron-with-a-catchphrase was the answer.

lucky us. it’s so much fun to be living in the bestest-possible timeline.

and now Donny has clownfucked himself — and us — into two major disasters that he has neither the skill-set, temperament, or intellect to solve. 

all he can do is impotently yell and scream and post stupid bullshit onto his crappy app — and there’s nobody around who can successfully edit Donny into being a president who isn’t a complete moron.

lucky us.

oh, and Doug Ford and Rep. Debbie Dingell had the best responses to Donny’s infantile threat to rename Lake Ontario.

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now, this seems kind of bad.

A series of firings and feuds initiated by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has left the Army essentially rudderless as it struggles to deal with the threat posed by cheap, deadly drones and missiles that have pounded U.S. bases in the Middle East.

how do you fuck that up?

now, I don’t know shit about running a military, but it seems like you’re going to want some generals around, if you expect to any win the wars you’ve blundered yourself into.

but you know who else doesn’t know shit about running a military? Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, Donny’s Secretary of Death — and that’s the real problem.

Piss-Drunk Pete is what happens when there’s nobody around to heavily edit the shitty hiring decisions of a failed game show host.

it’s bad enough that Pete has squandered the military’s supply of missiles. now he’s squandered our supply of generals. who the fuck allows that to happen?

Pete has a thousand ideas about running the Pentagon, and all of them are wrong — because he’s a high-on-his-own-supply idiot who is in way too far over his head.

any actual savvy businessman would have fired Pete’s ass six weeks into his job, when he butt-texted classified war plans to a reporter. the first time Pete stared yammering about t-levels, any competent leader would have been all ‘fuck outta here with that superstitious mumbo-jumbo,’ and shitcanned him, pronto.

fuck, any competent leader would have never hired him in the first place. Pete owes his whole job to the fact that his boss is an easily-conned dipshit who values looks and loyalty over competence.

this guy isn’t even fit to flip a skateboard up into his own nuts. no, wait — that’s the one thing Pete actually can do.

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Dolly Parton has left the building, and what can I say about this genuinely good person that hasn’t already been said by those far more eloquent than I?

It’s hard to imagine many people having a bigger impact than Dolly Parton. Born in a one-room cabin, she earned 11 Grammys and an Emmy, built a business empire, helped millions of kids learn to read, and — as if that wasn’t enough — helped accelerate the research that led to the Moderna COVID vaccine. What a life. Michelle and I are thinking of Dolly’s family and her many, many fans.

so let me just point out my own favorite thing about Dolly.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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