Voenix Rising

there are days when everything in the news is so profoundly idiotic that I don’t even know where to begin. yesterday was one of those days — so once again, I’m just going to drag out the Big Wheel of Moron™, give it a spin, and see where it lands. ready? here we go.

what. in the actual. fuck.

first of all, let’s all breathe a sigh of relief, because this vulgar abomination isn’t real — at least, it isn’t real yet. what Preznit Fuckwit’s shat out onto his crappy app is the product of some janky six-fingered plagiarism robot.

but the question must be asked: was the AI that ginned this up trained on a copy of The Rise And Fall Of The Third Reich? it’s a legit question, because you know who else was in madly in love with eagles with their wings all spread out and shit? of course you do.

oh look, it’s Adolf Hitler, giving a speech in front of a ginormous Nazi eagle, and everyone in the audience is sieg heiling to beat the band. which, as long as we’re on the subject, reminds us of —

why does everything this administration does turn out to be something the Nazis did first?

nobody asked for this. nobody said, ‘gee, Donny there isn’t enough golden shit trashing up the White House yet. is there any way you can wedge some vulgar Nazi-themed eagle into the mix, maybe above the front door?’

it’s bad enough that all of Donny’s policies remind that he’s trying to build his own fucked-up Turd Reich, does he really have to steal all their symbolism as well?

well, that was fun. are you ready for another spin of the wheel? here we go—

fuck, it landed on Donny again. come on Donny, stop being such an attention hog.

reporter: “what are your plans for the housing bill?”

Donny: “I don’t— know. I think it’s so— unimportant by compared to— by compared to the Save America Act. the housing bill is a bill that can get approved. they worked on it long and hard. it’s very— bipartisan. that means Democrats like it. and it’s uhhhhh— maybe— even— uhhhhh, it’s, it’s probably maybe more that way, they’re getting things that I wouldn’t necessarily agree to. nobody knows more than housing in the history of the presidency, nobody, nobody, no— well like me, in housing. I made a lot of— I made a lot of money. I made a lot of money with housing.”

heh heh, he said ‘long and hard.’

oh my god, Donny’s brain is fried. folks, I want to assure you there are no transcription errors in that excerpt. I took great pains to type out that torrent of incoherence exactly as it seeped from Dear Leader’s rancid anus-mouth. yes, he actually said ‘by compared to’ — twice.

let me ask you a question: do you think Donny even knows what’s in the housing bill he’s refusing to sign? because he sounds like a fifth-grader called upon to get up in front of the whole class to give an oral report on a book he absolutely forgot to read.

‘… and so if you have courage, they give you a red badge, and that’s why everyone should read The Red Badge of Courage.’

Donny’s oral report on the Red Badge of Housing Bill is just as nonsensical, because — spoiler alert — the illiterate fuck didn’t read it, and he can’t remember what he was told about it, because he was too busy watching himself on Fox News to listen. all he knows is that Democrats like it, which means it must be baaaaaad.

look, you can take Donny’s word for it, because he knows more about housing than all the housers. big strong housings, with tears in their eyes, come up and tell him so every day.

this guy’s a fucking idiot, and he’s making policy decisions based on vibes. what could possibly go wrong?

ugh. help us, Big Wheel of Moron™, and spin us the fuck out of here.

so, for those of you keeping score at home:

if you come to our nation’s capital and you so much as dip your pinky into the sacred and holy Epstein Reflecting Pool, you will spend the rest of your life in the hoosegow.

but it you come to DC in order to bludgeon cops with flagpoles, break into the Capitol, and take a shit on the floor of the House, the government will pardon you, apologize to you for the inconvenience, and — if Donny gets his way — enrich you beyond your wildest dreams

holy shit. spin us out of here, Big Wheel.

Dr. Oz has no freaking clue how insurance works, does he?

“of the people who signed up, 40% never use the insurance. let me ask you, John, you have health insurance — do you use it once a year? in Obamacare right now 40% of the people ostensibly signed up never use the insurance … we have a lot of fake people on the policies.”

wait, what?

on what planet is paying for insurance and not using it proof of fraud?

now look. I pay X dollars a month for car insurance. I’ve never filed a claim, because I’ve never had an accident. according to Dr. Oz, that somehow means I’ve been defrauding that cute little Geico gecko for years. I would never do that. I mean, look at this little homey. he’s fucking adorable.

now, this would all be hilarious of Dr. Oz were merely some loudmouth drunk at the end of the bar, ranting about all those goddamned Obamacare fraudsters, before passing out face-down in a puddle of his own sick.

but Oz is the administrator of the US Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services. that’s way too much power for any crackpot this ignorant to hold — and he’s going to use this counterfactual bullshit as an excuse to kick people off Obamacare.

my head hurts. let’s give this accursed Wheel one final spin.

ha! you knew we’d eventually land on Donny’s Big Vacant Shitpile Of Nothingness, didn’t you?

as Aaron Rupar sagely observed when he posted this clip, ‘this is some epic cope.’

Larry ‘Three Sheets’ Kudlow: “help me out, I want to be a part of this.”

Fox correspondent: “perhaps now that the closing bell is here, we’re gonna get more people out here.”

yeah, you keep telling yourself that — that people were only waiting for Wall Street’s closing bell to ring at 4pm before heading to the Mall. let us know how that works out for you.

my god, Fox News wants so hard for Donny’s Ginormous Barren Abyss to be a success, and it just ain’t happening. four days after it opened, the Great American State Fair remains a ghost town.

oh, wait — here comes someone. let’s see if we can get them to stop for an interview.

oops, our mistake. it was just some random tumbleweed.

it’s four more days until July 4th, and things are just going to keep getting stupider.

lucky us.

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