We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. ‘Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.’ And the greatest arrogance of all: save the planet. Save the planet, we don’t even know how to take care of ourselves yet. I’m tired of this shit. I’m tired of f-ing Earth Day. I’m tired of these self-righteous environmentalists, these white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is that there aren’t enough bicycle paths. People trying to make the world safe for Volvos. Besides, environmentalists don’t give a shit about the planet. Not in the abstract they don’t. You know what they’re interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat. They’re worried that some day in the future they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn’t impress me.
The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles … hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors, worldwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages … And we think some plastic bags and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet isn’t going anywhere. WE are!
We’re going away. Pack your shit, folks. We’re going away. And we won’t leave much of a trace, either. Maybe a little Styrofoam … The planet’ll be here and we’ll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet’ll shake us off like a bad case of fleas.
The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we’re gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, ’cause that’s what it does. It’s a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed. And if it’s true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new paradigm: the earth plus plastic. The earth doesn’t share our prejudice toward plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. The earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn’t know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old egocentric philosophical question, ‘Why are we here?’
Plastic… asshole.” ~ George Carlin
Found somewhere on the interwebs and copied verbatim. Not necessarily my own choices, but I found the list interesting enough to pass on:
1. The feeling when you first wake up but don’t have to get out of bed yet.
2. It might not be sexual, but having your hair played with.
3. Taking a big poop with only a little resistance. Combined with a dry wipe and you’re winning at life.
4. Getting goose bumps from music.
5. When you’re congested and then suddenly your nostrils open up.
6. When you finally get rid of that thing stuck in your teeth.
7. Dipping your hand into a deep bag of uncooked rice.
8. Sitting down after being on your feet all day.
9. That moment right before your favorite part in the song then that motion you do afterwards.
11. Burying yourself in hot laundry fresh from the dryer.
12. Dangling a cool metal chain over your hand and slowly lowering it down so it collects in your palm.
13. Lying in the pool and smacking your arms down in the water to create a rush of tiny bubbles underneath you that envelope your entire body for a few seconds.
14. Putting on a brand new pair of socks.
15. A shower beer. I highly recommend it if you haven’t tried it.
16. Turning your pillow to the cold side.
17. Getting into my bed after I’ve washed my sheets and made it.
18. Opening a book to the correct page on the first try.
19. Twirling a q-tip in your ear right after a shower.
20. Pulling the protective plastic covers off new electronics.
How about we treat every young man who wants to buy a gun like every woman who wants to get an abortion—mandatory 48-hour waiting period, parental permission, a note from his doctor proving he understands what he’s about to do, a video he has to watch about the effects of gun violence, and an ultrasound wand up the ass (just because). Let’s close down all but one gun shop in every state and make him travel hundreds of miles, take time off work, and stay overnight in a strange town to get a gun. Make him walk through a gauntlet of people holding photos of loved ones who were shot to death, people who call him a murderer and beg him not to buy a gun.
It makes more sense to do this with young men and guns than with woman and healthcare. I mean, no woman getting an abortion has killed a room full of people in seconds, right?”