Category: Love and Relationships

I meant to post this last Saturday, but I got distracted and it was left languishing in "drafts." So here it is now.

Six years ago Ben and I did our part to destroy western civilization, but somehow, despite our best efforts, it still survives. I don't know what I did to deserve the happiness he's given me since our paths first crossed, but here's to another sixty (or some, more realistic multiple of six) years of the same.

Ten years ago today, after a nearly a month of exchanging emails trying to set up a date to meet, Ben and I—on very short notice—finally connected in person at Starbucks on that warm Sunday afternoon.

And the rest as they say, is history.

And believe me, meeting such a wonderful, caring man at 50 was the absolute last thing I had been expecting. But then, most of my life since somewhere around the year 2000 had not been what I'd been expecting.

It's been ten years of adventures, both good and—stressful. And as I sit here and look through our Instagrams, I am reminded how wonderful it's all been.

This year was one of those "landmark" years and we had such plans for celebrating (I seem to remember a trip out of the country being discussed at one point) . I was turning 60. Ben was turning 35. We've known each other ten years, and in a few short days from now we'll be celebrating 5 years married. But life has intervened—as it is increasingly wont to do these days. So instead of jetting off somewhere, tonight Ben fixed a delicious steak dinner for us and afterward returned to the scene of the crime…

About a month before our wedding anniversary this year, I ordered a gift for Ben. When I saw it, I knew it would be perfect since both of us are such geeks. I thought I'd allowed plenty of time for it to arrive—but I hadn't anticipated it sitting at customs in Los Angeles for nearly three weeks. As it turned out, it did arrive on the day of the anniversary, but it was still no good. It needed to be properly framed and there was no way Ben was going to see it until it had been.

I finally got it back from the framer's last night. And as I'd expected, Ben loved it!

But I'm not so thrilled. This star map is backwards from what you'd expect. It's not what you'd see looking up, but rather what you'd see if you looked down onto the earth from a vantage point on the outside of some celestial sphere (or like on a globe) upon which the stars had been fixed. It's very disappointing.

We did our part to destroy heterosexual marriage. Happy 4th to my beloved!

…I met this guy, and words cannot begin to describe how wonderful those years have been. Here's to many, many, many more, my love!

"When I first met you, that's what I remember. I looked up at the sky and thought, I'm going to love this person because even the sky looks different." ~Margaret Stohl

A lot of people have asked why, after all these years, I still blog. I mean, it's not really much of a thing anymore since so many have moved on to Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and a multitude of other venues, but for me it remains a comfortable and familiar vehicle to express myself. I will freely admit that since Obama came to office, I've had much less political opinion to express, and Voenix Rising has become little more than a place where I bitch about work, repost funny pictures I've found online, and share lots of images of handsome men in various stages of undress. But every now and then I get the bug to actually sit down and write.

As I lay in bed in the dark this morning, after waking up at my usual ungodly time, I reached over and slipped on my headphones and started listening to Röyksopp's The Inevitable End, an album Ben had been listening to the night before but one that I hadn't heard from beginning to end.

Almost immediately—and don't ask me why because I have no explanation—memories came unbidden of a long-departed friend…

Ben Howard Walzer, 1958-1987

It was early summer, 1986. After a rather tumultuous 18 months together, my second partner and I decided to go our separate ways. It was a friendly parting, and nearly 30 years later he remains one of my dearest friends. Even then we knew we couldn't shut each other out of our lives completely, and since I loved the complex we lived in, when the time came for me to move out, I simply got my own place a few doors away in an adjacent building.

Shortly after I got settled, a very handsome stranger moved in across the courtyard and immediately caught my eye. I'd often see him out walking his two dogs, and we'd exchange pleasantries whenever we passed.

At this point I don't remember the exact circumstances that led up to it, but one afternoon he showed up at my front door after a run, drenched and smelling of fresh sweat—probably following up on a general invitation I'd thrown his way to stop by sometime (no doubt hoping to get into his pants, but never expecting that anything would ever come of it).

He came in and sat down and we chatted for a few minutes. He asked to use the bathroom. Still not completely sure of which team he played on, I panicked as I had a framed sketch of a naked man in an obvious state of arousal hanging over the toilet.

When he came out a few minutes later I asked if he wanted something to drink. While I don't remember his exact words now, as he stood there grabbing his crotch through his nylon running shorts, it was something along the lines of, "No thanks, but I would like to fuck."

Alrighty then!

We were both 28—young, horny, and obviously attracted to each other. We wasted no time getting to it.

Though that initial hot, sweaty afternoon of monkey sex was never repeated, we became good friends. Like myself, he'd recently split up with his partner and had moved into a place of his own. We had much more than our recent separations in common, so it was an emotion-filled goodbye only a few short months later when my ex and I decided to follow through on the plans we'd made when we were still coupled and move to San Francisco.

Shortly after we left Tucson, Ben and his ex reconciled and moved back in together. Naturally we stayed in touch, and when the group of us who'd moved to San Francisco returned to Tucson the following Christmas, I made a point of seeing him.

They'd bought a townhouse and had completely remodeled it. To this day I remember how beautifully it had turned out—and how happy he was.

Several months passed and the calls and letters abruptly stopped. I didn't think much of this (as I had become horrible at keeping in touch as well, what with a new city to explore and all), but then in August I received a call at work from his partner. Ben had passed away from AIDS complications a week earlier.

I was devastated. Another friend of mine who lived in San Francisco—whom I'd known since my days at the University of Arizona ten years earlier—had also passed only a week before, and I was still reeling from that.

I don't have a single photo of Ben, and to be honest I have only the vaguest recollection of what he looked like. Tall, dark and fuzzy is how I remember him; a NJB I would've loved to have brought home to mother. Shortly after he passed I asked his partner if he'd send me a photo, but I never received one. Years later I followed up with his family with a similar request and also never got a response.

The only tangible record I have of that sweet man was the photo above that I took of his memorial quilt when it was on display in San Francisco a year or so later.

…how much I love this man.

…and silently thank the gods that I have Ben in my life.

Five years ago the absolute last thing I expected in my life was a relationship—even though just prior to meeting Ben I had told the universe (or whoever/whatever was listening) that after a lifetime of less-than-successful attempts at coupling and a dozen or so years of being very, very single, I was ready to love again. I had run that line through my head many times before, but this time it was different; this time I felt it in the very fiber of my being. Even with that being said, in my wildest fantasies, I could not have even imagined the awesomeness that was about to enter my life—much less that I would be legally married five years later.

Sure, this past year has been difficult on us for a variety of reasons, but it's never strained our bond and through it all we've always been there for each other. As I lay there this morning watching Ben sleep, I was once again struck at how—and I hate to use the word because of its religious connotations, but nothing else springs to mind to describe it—blessed I am that we're together.

ANOTHER heterosexual marriage destroyed!  YES!

As Ben and I prepare to celebrate our Fifth Anniversary this weekend, we have made a momentous decision. In light of the Feds revising the tax law to allow same sex couples who wed in states where SSM is legal to claim married filing status even if they now reside in states that do not recognize their marriage…we have decided to tie the knot.

We're not making a big deal out of it—at least not right now. We're just driving down to Santa Fe next week (ironically to attend the wedding of one of Ben's cousins) and will be standing before a Justice of the Peace on Friday.

We both know that certificate won't mean a thing upon crossing back into Colorado, but we're both confident that it will only be a matter of time until full equality comes to the state. In the meantime we may register as domestic partners here.

We'll be having some sort of probably-doctor-who-themed ceremony sometime next year in Phoenix so all our friends can attend.