It’s 2018. Shouldn’t cereal come in a bag with a zip closure by now?
Naughty kids can easily take revenge on Santa by burning the coal and contributing to the destruction of his habitat via the greenhouse effect.
Staying off Twitter is like quitting smoking. After only a couple weeks away from it you see how disgusting it really is.
90% of being married is shouting “WHAT?” from the other room.
We don’t use the same technology we used 10 years ago but we have the same people holding office for 30+ years.
If you’re spending $4 for a bottle of “smart water,” it’s not working.
Dogs always say hello but never say goodbye.
If Wolverine can heal/regenerate his wounds, then no matter what, Wolverine is uncircumcised.
If you want to ruin any hobby, turn it into your job.
Most world events can be more easily explained if you remember we are 95% chimpanzee.
People won’t double dip salsa but, they’ll eat ass.
Adulthood is wanting to cry for 4 days straight but not having the time to do it.
When you say it out loud, the acronym “NSFW” has two more syllables than the phrase “Not Safe For Work.”
If you ever feel like no one pays attention to you, try making a sandwich in front of your dog.
If you have filled up your house with shit to the point where you need a storage unit for the rest of your shit then you probably own too much shit.
It’s Sunday morning, and last night someone (probably hundreds of someones) had a first date with someone else. They don’t know it yet, but they have met the one they will fall in love with, marry and raise a family. They have met the one they will stay with till “death do they part.” But they don’t know this yet. It was just a first date.
I would love to see a movie from the perspective of aliens discovering the Voyager probes and attempting to decode the golden records.
It’s 2017, any place that charges a convenience fee to pay bills online is just an asshole.
Every day our dogs wake up and wonder if today is one of those two special days that the humans stay home all day with them.
North Korea is the world’s chihuahua. It’s small, evil, unpredictable, yaps constantly, and no one wants to get anywhere near it.
In this “Age of Information,” you’d think there’d be a lot less stupid people. But it seems access to the Internet and humanity’s amassed knowledge is just allowing them to broadcast their stupidity from the rooftops.
Coating chicken in egg batter is pretty messed up when you stop to think about it.
I hope I live long enough to see the day when “It’s just cancer,” is a common phrase.
Because I’m so lazy, I work as hard and as fast as I can at work just so I can be lazy for as long as possible everyday.
Anything that is more than 62 miles away from me is further away from me than space is.
Equifax’s hackers weren’t the first to steal my info; Equifax itself took it without my permission a long time ago.
Using a phone case is like wearing a condom, sure it feels a lot more satisfying without it, but without it you run the risk of having an expensive accident.
In two to three days you will die. Luckily, that timer resets every time you drink a glass of water.
Spiders are the only web developers that enjoy finding bugs.
“New Direction” sounds just like “Nude Erection” when spoken aloud.