Because I’m so lazy, I work as hard and as fast as I can at work just so I can be lazy for as long as possible everyday.
Anything that is more than 62 miles away from me is further away from me than space is.
Equifax’s hackers weren’t the first to steal my info; Equifax itself took it without my permission a long time ago.
Using a phone case is like wearing a condom, sure it feels a lot more satisfying without it, but without it you run the risk of having an expensive accident.
In two to three days you will die. Luckily, that timer resets every time you drink a glass of water.
Spiders are the only web developers that enjoy finding bugs.
“New Direction” sounds just like “Nude Erection” when spoken aloud.
Men tell their daughters and sisters not to talk to strangers but get upset when women who don’t know them don’t want to talk to them.
Sometimes I think the greatest benefit of Freedom of Speech is that it gives us all an opportunity to see who’s an asshole.
Maybe the reason cell phones were made possible and became so popular was because The Machines wanted to get rid of pay-phones to make it harder to exit the Matrix.
My adult years have made me question why anyone would go big when they could go home.
Washing machines should have a reservoir tank where I can pour in a whole jug of detergent and have it automatically dispense the correct amount for every load—and then automatically flush the whole system of old detergent if it’s below a certain level in the tank when it does a self-clean cycle.
A large portion of the population is about to have permanent eye damage.
If the last two years have taught me anything, it’s that a huge portion of the United States population is dumber than a box of rocks, and will do something contrary to what they’re told, especially if the person telling them is actually someone who knows what they’re talking about.
The basics of investing and saving should be a mandatory class in high school.
I love how white supremacists carry flags of the two most notorious failures in western warfare.
The Internet was created to share information, but has devolved into a propaganda distribution and misinformation platform.
I never realized how much I couldn’t stand people until I started using social media.
Zombies on treadmills would be an excellent source of renewable energy.
PacMan is just a dude popping pills to try and escape his demons.
Owning a pet is (usually) only a fraction of a human’s life. In contrast, to that pet, you are, and always will be the whole world to them.
If demonic possession really existed the military would have already found a way to weaponize it.
As soon as you think, “Maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow morning,” you’re already screwed.
We should be asking kids, “What kinds of problems do you want to solve?” when helping them consider future careers instead of, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Why don’t memory foam pillows ever have a cool side?
If 666 is evil, then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
It takes more balls for a trans person to enlist than it does for a businessman to dodge the draft.
There really is no point in watching a ghost hunting show. If they ever did find absolute proof of ghosts and life after death, it wouldn’t be stuck on a daytime cable show; it would be breaking news on every channel and all over the internet. The same goes for UFO shows, Bigfoot/Monster Hunters, The Curse of Oak Island (and it’s brethren), and the seemingly endless list of similar shows masquerading as “scientific” investigations.
The generations that covered hardwood floors with linoleum and put wall to wall carpeting in bathrooms have the nerve to talk shit about “millennials.”
Now is probably the first time in history when nobody is excited about what the future will look like in 100 years.
There is a special place in hell for people who go home for the day and leave shared documents open.